Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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