Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
People in love make me want to vomit
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
