i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
