how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
