I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
