there was a trapeze. enough said
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
