I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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