consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
