Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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