mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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