he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
