He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
