Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
