Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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