just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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