I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
