Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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