The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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