This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
