I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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