im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
