Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
