Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Come see our sink grown plant.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
