why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
