I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
