hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
