I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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