Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
