im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
