Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
