I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
