My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
