Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm bleeding and have questions
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
