Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
