GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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