I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
