Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
