for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
