I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
