hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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