Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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