Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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