my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
