Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
