The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
