Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
