I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
