i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
