Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
