they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
