So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The best revenge is premature balding
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
