Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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