and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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