I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
